Importance

Am I not as important? Are my feelings any less because I’ve carried them through my life, are they less because I strive to carry on. Are they less because I’ve seen numerous people to talk of them.

The answer is no. But if so, why doesn’t it feel that way?

Those pictures everyone sees, that cosy house, those smiles, those few days out pictured to look like life is an adventure -they aren’t reality. They were once… but no more. They are what I wish life was still not this grey haze of what used to be. Everything fades. Memories, smells, even lives that you wanted to stay forever….truth is I never expected it to be this fast.

When I was little I had dreams of what my life would be. It wasn’t this. It wasn’t any of this. Yet I’m here wondering why… why after all those years I’m here back in the haze. In the shadows of those whose lives are reality of my fake photos and smiles.

When will it matter that I am suffering that I need time to heal to take a break and people actually understand and care…. never

Depression: I didn’t choose it, it chose me…

I guess sometimes it takes strength to look at yourself in the third person and question your actions, your habits, your behaviour and an even stronger ounce of you to change it.

I realise that I hardly ever find the words to offer those close to me a glimpse of where I’m at or what’s going on inside my mind; but usually my words are inadequate. I realise that at times like this I’m withdrawn, nothing is clear and I sink deep into myself, and then the words don’t come at all. And still sometimes, I lash out. I want people around me but I don’t want people around me. I want to be on my own but when alone I don’t want to be alone. It’s confusing.

But above all, this is not how I want to be.
This is not how I want to be with everyone I care about.

So I am sitting quietly, trying to get this all down, to tell you everything I want you to know. It will not be perfect, but it will be real. It will be the best snapshot I can give you of where I’m at:

I didn’t choose this. No one would choose to feel this way, I promise you. It’s part of me, my DNA, a big part of me that I hate with a passion, that takes over me like a cloud and takes hours to days to weeks to pass and lift so I can see the light. please know that though it might not seem like I’m doing enough to lift myself out of this, I’m not choosing depression. It chose me.

Please be gentle with me and don’t ask me what’s wrong a million times over- my thoughts and words are usually not clear after the first moment of dropping into this haze. I know I look the same on the outside, but inside, I don’t feel like me. Or rather I feel like the most uncomfortable edges of me; right now, I am made of all doubt and fear and feel at my most vulnerable and fragile.

I know this is hard for you I guess to you all it’s like I’m not bothered, pushing our friendship away and uncaring of others thoughts and feelings. This isn’t true. I love you all so much and I guess it’s just easier to not see people or paint that perfect picture and smile and act like everything is rosy than answering questions that most of the time I have no answers for. As much as I’m ashamed I’m not stupid to think this doesn’t affect you too.

I can’t think of much besides my own pain right now. This is one of the most devious parts of it all—it’s so selfish. I like to think that I’m not a selfish person. I would be penniless to see someone else happy and put my own needs aside to help another- probably a big contributor of me being here. The reason I’m acting selfish is because I’m in constant emotional pain. Imagine your leg was broken, your bones in shards, full of stabbing pain. When we’re in physical pain, it’s hard to think of much else. It’s the same way with my emotional pain. My mind chases its own tail, coming back to the same stuck place over and over. I can’t stop thinking about how much I hurt, because I just hurt so damned much. I can’t break things down to understand them because it’s all as bad.

Most of all… please understand You don’t have to fix me. I know when we see someone we love suffering, we want to stop it. But you can’t. You can’t fix me. Not now or ever. I’m not sure even I can fix me. I tried and tried for a long time but it doesn’t help.

Some mystery of time is usually the only light to see me out of these patches. What I need from you is your patience, your love. I need walks with you in the sunlight or sunset. If I don’t want to go, try your best to get me there. But when it’s really bad I need to just sit with you and watch something funny, so that I can hear the sound of you laughing, to remember the vibration of joy. To feel your happiness even if it isn’t my own.

At times like this I become the worst parent ever- to actually have to be responsible and patient and understanding when your mind is telling you you’re better off not here doesn’t quite work. I’m everything I never wanted to be in a parent when I can’t function and I see how Dylan’s behaviour only mirrors my own. I’m so sorry for that.

Above all, Please be patient. I have always said that having depression is like being nearsighted. Everything is blurry, distorted, shapeless. I can’t see clearly right now. But I have been here before, and I will probably be here again. I am worried about so many things that life itself is one humongous struggle.

Truth is beyond all of this my guilt is the biggest anchor. Guilty that I’ve spent my life in dangerous, violent situations and gone through as much out of relationships and for the first time I’ve found someone who doesn’t cause me physical or mental torture yet I’m still here, with this problem. With this constant drag to feeling like I’d be better off not here. I feel so much guilt that I should be happy and making the most of the amazing person I’ve ended up with. All anyone says is “you can’t dwell on the past” you have to enjoy and make the most of now. This i struggle with. The past is ultimately still inside me. I can’t get over it and at times unhealthy aspects will place themselves inside my mind and it’s all I can think of, it’s like it all happened again.

I know you will already understand most of this as depression is talked about much more, but because of my inability to get it out in words to your face this is the most I can do. To acknowledge your struggle with me and at least explain why I’m not the person I was before.

Just know beyond all this I love you, I’m trying and I’ll be back soon

I’m a survivor…

Ever experienced something so life changing that your whole world is never quite the same? A thunderstorm that sweeps in and takes all you have leaving only broken pieces of a former life?

My guess is many have! Everyone I know has experienced brokenness…heartache…loss and its the hardest thing to deal with.

Picture this. Brimming with confidence, young and naive, bold and carefree- like every other teenage girl when one night someone decides to play with fire, do something bold and stupid and take away every inch of that personality. A girl once carefree with a love for life tormented into a broken, fucked up woman. That’s exactly what I became. Did I deserve it? I’ve asked myself so many times. Truth is, you sit and question a million things when something life changing happens. Whether it could have been different…truth is yes it probably could! But how can we plan the future. We don’t get out of bed each day knowing point by point what we will experience, witness or say.

Healing they said, it’s a journey. A long one and a hard one and one which will have many diversions where you will feel you’re back to where you started. Kind of like a depression. You sometimes don’t know why you feel so low, you just do. The more you try and make it better and not get anywhere you feel like you’re back at square 1 and it’s a vicious circle of self discovery alongside a constant fear of slipping off the edge. I’m not going to lie, at times I’ve wanted to be pushed off the edge. But each time you seem to find that slight part of survival in you which makes you fight your mind just a little more. 

I think sometimes people need to realise with trauma nothing can really be healed. It can just be helped! Life for me is nothing like the life I once had For many reasons. I’m more cautious, a little more reluctant to throw myself in situations without a little clue of the outcome. But is is a bad thing? I’ve learnt to accept the change even if I don’t love it. 

People don’t understand why one minute you seem fine and the next you want to curl in a ball and hibernate but that…as I’ve realised after years of frustrations…is because it’s your journey, your self help and your mind which needs to be helped, not theirs. They will never understand and don’t expect them to, just appreciate the ones who try. 

I’ve pushed many people away. Mostly because I’m scared to let them in. I’m scared of people’s reactions and I’m scared of how they will feel when I can’t function at times. I’m scare of myself, not coping and letting down the hard exterior I’ve spent years perfecting.

But fuck it! I’m human, shit happens to great people every day. I’m surviving….and I have every right to be.

I love him….to the moon and back

Sick of soppy status’s about peoples declaration of love to their ‘perfect’ children? I think for many who are not yet parents or do not feel all that maternal, it can drive them up the wall. They want to read about politics, news of the world, even animals…but when it comes to a stream of baby photos and mums and dads jumping for joy that their little one has said a first word, taken a first step or done their first dump in the toilet it’s all a little too much.

That was me… self centered and self assured without a care in the world. Babies were cute, but even cuter when given back.It was never my life and i didn’t envision it to be…anytime soon anyway. I had moved away from everything at home and gone on a whirlwind adventure in London with 6 girls, who were similarly off their rockers and care free with no interest in babies or families….frankly only interested in what party they are going to or how much crystal they can get for free. I was always the quieter one of the pack but i was the youngest. I was, and actually still am, always popular with the guys for my relaxed banter, sense of humor and ability to shame myself in any situation but cover up how embarrassed i am rather well.

After my time in the big smoke had truly come to an end, certain aspects of my journey there had forced me to massively mature. The loss of a close friend in tragic circumstances was a massive reality check on how short life actually is and how it can go so very wrong. I came home, or rather was dragged back home by family and began paying off my serious wad of debt by working at Topman. I loved it! I loved my colleagues, all the guys were fab. I’d do a 6am start and finish at midnight (completely illegal by the way Philip Green….but it seems when does he ever do things by the book?) but it didn’t ever  feel like i’d been on my feet that long at all. I slowly began getting myself on the right track when bam!

Whilst on a girls weekend – Actually at an ‘L Word’ Convention in Blackpool ironically – something just didn’t seem right. I felt nauseous and the thought of wine made me want to vom….. If i was rejecting alcohol something was definately wrong I thought? But stupid me forced myself to the party anyway and made the most of my holiday away for the weekend. It was only after a violent sickness episode from one glass that my best friend announced “You don’t think you’re…you know…up the duff do you?”

No. What? I came on, no i didn’t… no i didn’t! Shit!

I froze, and swiftly left my party of friends to find a local pharmacy….and buy 12 pregnancy tests. Each positive test i didn’t believe so i did another and another, until my friend found me in the bathroom surrounded by pee sticks with double lines in complete shock. We sat on the beach for a long while, staring at the water and thinking how the fuck could I have been so naive and not take precaution. How the hell have I got into this mess when who the father is wasn’t right first time round so why would he be now? But above all that was an overwhelming feeling of, I cannot get out of this….I need to face this head on.

I may have only been 19, I may have never expected it but from that pregnancy test, to 9 months of craving bananas and lemon Cif, to a 34hour labour where we both almost died, 6 months of postnatal depression and feeling as if I was the worst mother in the world….I produced the most amazing human being with bags of character, a smile that would melt any heart and my personality completely.

Being a mother changed me….It changed the way i looked at life, I now have much less sleep, less money, less time, a less attractive figure… My hair is usually stuck up like a pineapple and i can never leave the house without fingermarks on my jacket or skirt, but i simply don’t care. A child comes into a mother’s life and gives you a whole other reason for existence. To all those people who find baby posts annoying… hide them, don’t moan! My son is my greatest gift, and greatest achievement in the world. We have been through so much and are still on our journey.

Dylan…thank you for saving me but also for giving me a definitive reason to why life is to be lived to the fullest.

Always be brave, courageous and love completely but no matter what…please know that i am so proud of the young man you have become.

19.05.2015

Me: I love you to the moon and back Dylan

Dylan: I love you to infinity and beyond mum...because you can't go further than 
that