I guess sometimes it takes strength to look at yourself in the third person and question your actions, your habits, your behaviour and an even stronger ounce of you to change it.
I realise that I hardly ever find the words to offer those close to me a glimpse of where I’m at or what’s going on inside my mind; but usually my words are inadequate. I realise that at times like this I’m withdrawn, nothing is clear and I sink deep into myself, and then the words don’t come at all. And still sometimes, I lash out. I want people around me but I don’t want people around me. I want to be on my own but when alone I don’t want to be alone. It’s confusing.
But above all, this is not how I want to be.
This is not how I want to be with everyone I care about.
So I am sitting quietly, trying to get this all down, to tell you everything I want you to know. It will not be perfect, but it will be real. It will be the best snapshot I can give you of where I’m at:
I didn’t choose this. No one would choose to feel this way, I promise you. It’s part of me, my DNA, a big part of me that I hate with a passion, that takes over me like a cloud and takes hours to days to weeks to pass and lift so I can see the light. please know that though it might not seem like I’m doing enough to lift myself out of this, I’m not choosing depression. It chose me.
Please be gentle with me and don’t ask me what’s wrong a million times over- my thoughts and words are usually not clear after the first moment of dropping into this haze. I know I look the same on the outside, but inside, I don’t feel like me. Or rather I feel like the most uncomfortable edges of me; right now, I am made of all doubt and fear and feel at my most vulnerable and fragile.
I know this is hard for you I guess to you all it’s like I’m not bothered, pushing our friendship away and uncaring of others thoughts and feelings. This isn’t true. I love you all so much and I guess it’s just easier to not see people or paint that perfect picture and smile and act like everything is rosy than answering questions that most of the time I have no answers for. As much as I’m ashamed I’m not stupid to think this doesn’t affect you too.
I can’t think of much besides my own pain right now. This is one of the most devious parts of it all—it’s so selfish. I like to think that I’m not a selfish person. I would be penniless to see someone else happy and put my own needs aside to help another- probably a big contributor of me being here. The reason I’m acting selfish is because I’m in constant emotional pain. Imagine your leg was broken, your bones in shards, full of stabbing pain. When we’re in physical pain, it’s hard to think of much else. It’s the same way with my emotional pain. My mind chases its own tail, coming back to the same stuck place over and over. I can’t stop thinking about how much I hurt, because I just hurt so damned much. I can’t break things down to understand them because it’s all as bad.
Most of all… please understand You don’t have to fix me. I know when we see someone we love suffering, we want to stop it. But you can’t. You can’t fix me. Not now or ever. I’m not sure even I can fix me. I tried and tried for a long time but it doesn’t help.
Some mystery of time is usually the only light to see me out of these patches. What I need from you is your patience, your love. I need walks with you in the sunlight or sunset. If I don’t want to go, try your best to get me there. But when it’s really bad I need to just sit with you and watch something funny, so that I can hear the sound of you laughing, to remember the vibration of joy. To feel your happiness even if it isn’t my own.
At times like this I become the worst parent ever- to actually have to be responsible and patient and understanding when your mind is telling you you’re better off not here doesn’t quite work. I’m everything I never wanted to be in a parent when I can’t function and I see how Dylan’s behaviour only mirrors my own. I’m so sorry for that.
Above all, Please be patient. I have always said that having depression is like being nearsighted. Everything is blurry, distorted, shapeless. I can’t see clearly right now. But I have been here before, and I will probably be here again. I am worried about so many things that life itself is one humongous struggle.
Truth is beyond all of this my guilt is the biggest anchor. Guilty that I’ve spent my life in dangerous, violent situations and gone through as much out of relationships and for the first time I’ve found someone who doesn’t cause me physical or mental torture yet I’m still here, with this problem. With this constant drag to feeling like I’d be better off not here. I feel so much guilt that I should be happy and making the most of the amazing person I’ve ended up with. All anyone says is “you can’t dwell on the past” you have to enjoy and make the most of now. This i struggle with. The past is ultimately still inside me. I can’t get over it and at times unhealthy aspects will place themselves inside my mind and it’s all I can think of, it’s like it all happened again.
I know you will already understand most of this as depression is talked about much more, but because of my inability to get it out in words to your face this is the most I can do. To acknowledge your struggle with me and at least explain why I’m not the person I was before.
Just know beyond all this I love you, I’m trying and I’ll be back soon